


Shades of Blue

by Ms_Marchy



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Female Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Lance Angst, Langst, Mentions of Suicide, Suicide, tw suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-03
Updated: 2018-07-04
Packaged: 2019-01-29 00:32:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 18,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12619072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ms_Marchy/pseuds/Ms_Marchy
Summary: Lance wasn't always happy on Earth. Being the middle child meant he was often forgotten, his birthday, his school plays. Mama always needed to be reminded. He always had to fight for the bathroom in the mornings with 7 other siblings, had to squirrel his food and snacks away so no one would eat them. At school he was 'The Immigrant', 'The Boy from Cuba.", 'The Replacement". He knew that if he worked hard, going into Space would make everything better. It's what he told himself every day when his alarm would go off, when he brushed his teeth, when he saw his failed exams and when Iverson yelled at him for failed simulations.Space would make everything better.(Boy was he wrong).





	1. Intro

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Each chapter is a point of view from each character around Lance. Enjoy!
> 
> The title I came up with while listening to Shades of Cool by Lana Del Rey.

The team knew Lance wasn't as happy as he liked to appear; popping in and out of rooms with a sarcastic remark slipping off the tip of his tongue like it was second nature, picking fights with Kieth to make himself appear like he was too narcissistic to work well with others, to feel smarter. They knew, in some small way, that it was just a front. No one could be that happy and full of energy all time without it being forced, it was just that sometimes it was hard to tell with Lance. He was always so obnoxious with his voice and gestures, that- forced or not- they would sometimes become too much.

But it became far too obvious after the incident in Beta Traz as they tried rescuing Slav from the Galra. Hearing Lance talk about himself to the creature he had mistaken as a prisoner, like he was worthless, was hard to hear. A fifth wheel was hurtful, correcting himself to being the 7th wheel behind Coran and Allura was practically unbearable. How could he think so little of himself? Trying to convince himself he was still useful in the eyes of his fellow Paladins while his inner insecurities broke through the surface broke Pidge and Shiro's hearts.  
After that, it became a lot easier in seeing when the voices in Lance's head were too loud for the young Paladin.


	2. Pidge

Pidge saw it on the bridge of the castle, Lance sitting after a battle against a squad of Galra, captaining the blue drone pod alongside Keith. Keith had left to take a shower, Pidge and Lance the last two to leave the deck. Pidge had just finished patching up a small glitch in the hardware. She got up and stretched, reveling in the soft pops her spine gave after sitting awkwardly for so long. She was about to open her mouth, to beckon Lance to the cafeteria where she was sure Hunk had mixed some post-battle meal up, but stopped short when she realized that Lance was being too still. Slumped in his chair, head resting in his hand as he stared out the window at the passing stars. The empty, half lidded eyes that didn't look sleepy, but exhausted, zoned out; eyebrows slanted a little too much to be relaxed. He looked so sad. 

"Lance," Pidge cooed softly, approaching him in smooth quiet steps so as not to startle him. He didn't respond, still looking out. When she reached him, she called out his name once more, gently placing her hand on his shoulder.

She expected him to jump, to stand up quickly and laugh off his dazed moment, ramble about being tired and quickly excuse himself. What she didn't expect was for him to stay bone-still, the only notion of him still being alive was the rise and fall of his chest, an inhale a little deeper than the others, exhaling before saying, "What do you think your mom is doing right now?"

Pidge sucked in a sharp breath. Her mom? Well... as much as she hated to admit it even to herself, she hadn't thought about her mother too often, so occupied with finding her father and brother. The most she could imagine was bringing the older men home and seeing her mother smile again. "I...I don't know. Maybe she's... doing dishes?"

"Dusting empty shelves because its just her in a small house trying to keep the place looking alive for her family's return?"

That stung. She knew Lance wasn't trying to be hurtful. He was just sad and projecting with a deep conversation. She knew leaving her mother behind to look for her father and brother would be tough, often times, she tried keeping her thoughts from straying to her mother, only ever focusing on the happy future Pidge was sure to make happen. It had to, she had to make it up to her mother for the past few months of being alone.

"I'd like to think my mom is reading my little brother and sister a bed time story," Lance continues quietly, his smushed cheek slurring his words slightly, too tired inside to conjure the energy to lift his head for the conversation. "I don't know if I hope she's telling them a story about Spaceman Lance or not. What if my younger siblings don't remember me?"

Pidge didn't know what to say. She supposed, being the girl of the 5, she should have the emotional whirlpool of her own to dip into and help Lance with advice, but to be honest, she never believed in that 'girls are emotional' stuff. She had feelings- she was over protective of those she loved, she would do anything to keep them safe! but when it came to comforting others, she was at a loss. She wasn't touchy feely and she didn't have enough emotional trauma of her own to pull from.

"Lance..." The hand on his shoulder squeezed reassuringly, "Just a few more missions, buddy. Help us defeat Emperor Zarkon. The world wont need Voltron for another ten-thousad years. We'll be allowed to retire and go home and live our lives and die on Earth. Just a little longer."

___

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't studied Pidge enough to really portray her emotional input. But thinking of Mama Holt home alone wondering if her family is alive or dead is something that's constantly on my mind.  
> The next chapter is Keith's P.O.V. and its a /tad/ longer than this.  
> As always, please leave comments and Kudos!!


	3. Keith

Keith was on his way out of the showers late one night, woken by a nightmare that left him covered in a sheen of sweat, shaking, images of his team flashing before his eyes, small glimpses of blood and cries for help. The shower helped a little, but if he allowed himself even a moment to think on it further, his hands would begin to shake and his breathing would shallow just a little too much to still be comfortable.

He knew he wasn't going to be able to go back to bed. The silence in his room wouldn't help at all, only leave him to his own thoughts that he knew he wouldn't be able to keep under control. Maybe he should just go down to the training room and train and train and train and train until he was sure that he could prevent the horrifying situations in his dreams. He never wanted to see any of his 6 other comrades spitting out blood begging to be saved when there was nothing he could do to get to them.

He sighed, making his way down towards the training room. Maybe he should grab a drink before he went down? Being dehydrated wouldn't help his condition at all. It wasn't like he was going to bed afterw-

A noise coming down the hall alerted his attention. What was that? It didn't sound threatening, just repetitive. It was coming from down the hall, by Lance's room. He crept along the wall, wanting to keep undetected. Sure enough, the noise came from Lance's room, the door opened just a crack. Looking in, the room was dark, a light glow illuminating the place. Lance was on his bed, head resting in his hand, facing away; almost nothing out of the ordinary, although Lance was only wearing a pair of pants and a short sleeved shirt. It shouldn't be weird to Keith to see Lance's arms, but it was very rare that Lance exposed that much skin. He couldn't help but admire the structure in them, the biceps and triceps toned and moving as Lance moved his arms.

The noise sounded again, this time coming straight from Lance. A choked sound followed by a sniffle. Keith's heart skipped a beat as he realized what was going on. Lance was...he was crying. The hand not holding his head came up, fingers fisted in the chocolatey brown locks; swiped across the Cuban's face, presumably collecting tears and clearing his upper lip of sweat and snot. 

What should he do? Should he go in and comfort Lance? Maybe Lance wouldn't appreciate that? If Lance was doing this in the privacy of his own room, that must mean he didn't want to be disturbed. It made sense to Keith, that's how he would want to be handled if the tables were reversed, open door ajar be damned. He sighed and made his decision, quietly closing Lance's door the rest of the way to let him cry in peace and headed for the training room.

_ _ _ _ 

An hour and a half later, the doors to the training room opened, distracting Keith as a small beam of electricity was shot at him, hitting him in the shoulder. His body tensed and he grunted in pain as the small muscle convulsions took their coarse. "Lance," he panted. The anger in him subsided when he caught the pained look on Lance's face.

"Sorry," the brown boy mumbled, walking over to the bench press on the furthest side of the room, going through the weights and choosing the correct number of pounds he'd like to work with.

Keith sighed and allowed the simulator to play once again. He kept missing his shots, and blocks, getting hit more often with the distraction of Lance being there. When he finally lost, and the glowing ball shooting small lasers disappeared, he sat on the mat and tried to catch his breath. 

"Were you this bad before I walked in?" he heard Lance ask distantly. Keith's only reply was shutting his eyes and sighing. He could feel Lance's sigh in his own chest. "Mind if I join? We should probably train together more often."

Keith nodded in agreement, standing when Lance got close enough to restart the simulator once more. They worked well together, back to back, lunging and jabbing while the other ducked down and swatted. They got faster as the training proceeded, both grunting as Keith swung his sword and Lance shot his gun.

Unfortunately, good things can never last, as the training sped up, the boys coordination became sloppy, Lance almost hit Keith with his elbow causing Keith to fall on top of the taller teen. "Damnit, Lance!" Keith yelled, his veins filled with adrenaline, fueling his anger. "Why are you always getting in the way of -"

He stopped when he noticed Lance's arm next to his hand, the wrist turned up, exposing small white and pink lines slicing in various directions. Some of the scars looked to only be a couple of months old. That didn't make sense. Lance, a self-harmer? Lance, someone who was always smiling and laughing and making inappropriate sarcastic jokes, hating himself so much that he tried to destroy his body? What for? Didn't he-

Lance's eyes got big and suddenly Keith was thrown onto his back, Lance's body covering him, his body convulsing as the simulator threw electricity at the couple with higher voltages than earlier, each sting hitting Lance, who was yelling, hands fisted into Keith's t-shirt. Jesus, Keith came down here to get away from that exact scream. The only thing missing was the blood and space and everyone else yelling at him for not getting to Lance fast enough. 

The simulator only hit five more times, the voltages decreasing with every hit. Lance rested his face into Keith's chest, he could feel warmth under his shirt as Lance huffed for air, maybe drool or tears soaking through his shirt. His body was shaking, and little moans came with each exhale. Lance gasped for air as he continued trying to get the images out of his head, a hand coming up on its own and placing itself right on the nape of Lance's neck, fingers nesting in the warm brown locks.

"Lance," Keith panted. "Lance, why the fuck?"

"I did what I had to," Lance coughed when he could finally feel his body again. "You were going to get hurt because I tripped you, I couldn't let that happen." Lance looked up, meeting Keith's gaze, but quickly put his head back into the shorter teens chest, hands grabbing the fabric to Keith's shirt hard enough for his knuckles to go white. And suddenly it was like something inside Lance snapped, his body tensed back up, his breathing shallow for a few short moments before the dampness in Keith's shirt grew.

"I'm sorry I keep getting in the way. I'm sorry I keep messing everything up. I keep- I keep trying to be better, but it's like no matter what I do, I keep messing up." Keith's hand on Lance's nape curled around the back of the other's neck, trying to be comforting. What was going on? Lance was crying earlier in the night-okay, normal. He came down here to work through his emotions- Keith understood that. That's why he was in here too. Lance breaking down around Keith when Keith was probably the last person Lance would want to confide in- "Quiznacking" weird, as Pidge would say. Lance hated Keith. Was he that emotionally distressed that he couldn't keep himself controlled from one mess up?

"I thought that coming into space and recreating myself would work for me. Be happy, be funny, be likable; but I'm just as much the middle child here as I was at home. I'm constantly shut down or ignored. And when I do finally speak up to help carry the conversation I'm always upsetting everyone. Fuck, why can't I just be happy? I don't even know who the fuck I am anymore, I don't know how I'm supposed to act. At home, I put myself away, I stayed out of everyone's hair, I shipped myself off to the Garrison as soon as I could. I thought- I thought I could become someone, someone my parents would be proud of. Here, I ignore the looks, and the comments behind my back constantly, and keep bringing myself attention, because at least, even if its all negative things being said about me, I'm mentioned."

"Lance- please," Keith choked. "Stop it. You belong here. You're our Sharpshooter, you're the glue that keeps the team together. Yeah, you bring comic relief, and sometimes we laugh at you, but could you imagine if all of us were serious? I think Shiro would have blown his own head off already if there wasn't someone around to help lighten the mood" 

"So that's it? I'm just the guy that takes care of everyone? I'm the clown?" 

"Lance, any one of us would help you if you asked us of it. Night or day, I swear."

"You didn't."

"What?"

"Earlier tonight. You don't care. That's why you shut my door and walked off."

"You left your door open on purpose?"

"No, I had no idea. But I heard it click shut. I opened it to see who had peered in. It was you. You saw me upset back then, and you decided to walk off and leave me to deal with my problems by myself. You didn't even contact someone else to come help me. You left me alone."

"I-I'm sorry," Keith said at a loss. "It wasn't that your problems weren't worth my trouble, it was just.... I mean... if I were caught, I'd want to be left alone to deal with it on my own. I just... I did what I would have wanted."

Lance stayed quiet, careful to control his crying as best he could and not give off any embarrassing sobs. Keith looked up at the fists still balled into his shirt, saw the pink scars staring at him sorely. "Lance," Keith gulped, wrapping his other hand gently around that wrist. "Please, for the love of God, don't ever hurt yourself again. Tell us off if we hurt your feelings, but please don't take our words and let them destroy you. I can't lose- shit. I can't lose any more family." Lance slid his wrist held captive by Keith's hand, down, far enough for their hands to become overlapped.

"You're a good soldier," Lance murmurs quietly. "You're a good Pilot. I know I give you shit when we train and fight. I just.. I want you to be prepared. I want to you to be ready to become the leader if anything happens to Shiro. I want you to be the best of the best, someone I can follow."

"I don't want to become the leader." Keith states. 

"It doesn't matter. The leadership is for whoever Shiro picks, and I've heard you two talking in private. You're to become the leader if Shiro's no longer in the picture."

"Lance-"

"I support the decision. And I know everyone else will too. Hunk would panic the whole time. Pidge would end up crying and getting very angry. I would... I would just get everyone killed- but you- you would be the best choice."

Keith sighed, moving his fingers still tangled in Lance's hair in small circular motions. He didn't want to even think about losing Shiro again. He glanced at Lance, the brown boy's face laying on his chest. He didn't want to think about losing anyone on the team.

______

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keith is so gay and clingy.  
> p.s. there's no Klance in this. They're just two bros who come to love each other very much. If you want to see it as Klance, go for it.


	4. Hunk

Something was up with Lance and Keith.

The team building exercises they took went almost too well. Lance and Keith didn't try to compare the size of their -ahem- swords, they didn't end the fight with making the other fall through the floor, they didn't yell at each other or make sarcastic comments that were borderline rude. Instead, they smiled at each other and high-fived.

That was definitely weird. Hunk looked to Shiro and Pidge, the three exchanging looks of confusion.

"I'm glad they're getting along," Shiro says later when its just him, Hunk, and Pidge sitting at the table eating lunch.

"It makes things a lot easier when they're not both fighting for your attention, Space Dad."

Shiro sputters into his drink, "I'm only a couple years older than you guys."

"Still qualified," Pidge says, more engrossed in her hologram sitting in front of her as she searches for her brother. "Do you think they finally admitted their feelings towards each other?"

"It'd be nice for them to be on the same page," Shiro says at the same time Hunk says "Lance would have told me if they were finally dating." This time Shiro chokes on his green slurp, looking up at his two teammates in disbelief. Hunk and Pidge just smile.

\----

Later that night, Lance knocks on Hunk's bunk door.

"Hey man," Lance says, a box tucked under his arm full of miscellaneous things.

"What's up? Hunk replies, standing up to greet his friend.

"Sorry we've been so distance these past couple of weeks," Lance says, a light blush dusting his cheeks. "I guess it makes sense, you and Pidge could talk for hours about technology... get lost in..." he seems to trail off, unable to finish his own sentence. When he finally looks back up to Hunk, he smiles, his shoulders straightening. "Anyways, I was cleaning out my stuff and I figured, since I didn't want these things anymore, I'd give you first pick? You can just throw out the rest of it, if you want." He sounded uneasy, but Hunk wasn't sure why. Honestly, Lance was probably just feeling a little unsure about putting Hunk on the spot like that to like his stuff. On the top was Lance's headphones and music player. Hunk looked up at Lance in confusion. 

"Lance, you love these things.., they help you sleep at night."

Lance grimaced. "Honestly, I usually just fall right asleep now, now that we work ourselves to the bone." He laughed, but it didn't sound right. As loud as it was, it sound forced, his eyes didn't crinkle with his smile either.

"Lance, what's wrong?" Hunk asked, his eyebrows still furrowed with confusion, now concern laced into his voice.

Lance's shoulders shrunk. "I guess... I guess I'm just trying to reinvent myself, ya know? I was one person on Earth, but up here I feel... different(?) and I kind of want to match my... my insides with my outsides(?) you know what I mean?"

Hunk's shoulders relaxed in relief. "Yeah buddy. Sure I do. Look at how much I've changed in the short months we've been up here fighting. I totally understand. If you need any help with that, let me know, alright? I'm always here for you." He smiled as he walked Lance to the door.

Lance huffed in relief and turned to face his large friend once more. "You've always been such a great guy," he said. "You're the best friend I could ever hope for."

"Aww thanks man," Hunk blushed. "It's really nothing. I'm always here to help a friend." Lance's eyes shifted to the side as he laughed again. "Speaking of being friends though, what's up with you and Keith?"

Lance's smile faded. "Oh.. that? That's.. pff, you know, that's just...." he sighed. "We had a bit of a heart to heart the other night, and it just sort of helped us come together."

"Are you guys being safe?" Hunk had to ask. He was glad his friend was happy, but he needed to be sure he was healthy too.

Lance stared at Hunk for a few good seconds as he pieced together what Hunk was asking, then threw his hands into his face and squatted. "We're not dating!" he practically belted out. "No! We're just- I mean, we just get along now!" His face red, the blush creeping past his pj collar. "God, Hunk!"

Hunk cracked up, laughing. "Alright," he winked. "Well, if you need anything, I'm sure Coran has something to help you uh... 'wrap it before you tap it', if you know what I mean."

"Nope!" Lance yelled as he quickly walked out of Hunk's living space. "Nope!" he yelled louder in the hallway.

Hunk just kept chuckling to himself. It was always so easy to get Lance riled up over nothing.

He pulled the headphones over his ears and sat down on his bed, excited to hear some earthling music for once in a long time.

_______________

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hunk is so pure and naive :)
> 
> Are we noticing any signs yet??


	5. Coran

"Hey, Coran," Lance greeted, walking into the hull of the castle, hands bunched in his pockets.

"Ah, hello, m'boy!" Coran greeted happily as he cleaned the space. "What can I do for ya?"

"Can you show me Earth again?" he asked, ducking his face away.

Again? This was the third time this week. "Do you think that's a good idea? I understand you're homesick, but do you feel that looking at a hologram while reminiscing is a good idea?"

Lance's shoulders drooped and he frowned. "Yeah, I suppose you're right. I guess I just...." Lance shook his head, unsure as to how to finish the sentence. "Hey, Coran?"

"Yes, Lance?" Coran looked over his shoulder, concerned.

"How much time do you think has passed on Earth?"

"Oh, erm," He put a finger to his chin as he thought. "I'm honestly not sure. Our ticks and your seconds are fairly close in time, but our planet ran on 70,000 ticks a day. Is that about how many yours ran?"

Lance opened his mouth to answer, but nothing came out. He couldn't do the math fast enough, without a pen and pencil to keep his place. He shut his mouth and shrugged, looking at the ground, deciding to leave the math to Pidge.

"Are you alright, Paladin Three?" Coran asked. Lance looked up to see Coran facing him, cleaning supplies forgotten, a rag limp in his hand.

Lance lifted the corner of his mouth. "Yeah, everything's fine."

Coran sighed. "I understand what it's like to be homesick, Lance. I would give anything to see Altea again. To be with my loved ones..," Coran sighed, looking to the center of the hull where Allura would stand during battles. "Unfortunately, there is no going back. We just have to look forward as often as possible. Things will get better, Lance. When this war is over, you'll be able to go home."

Lance tried giving a bit better of a smile than before, wishing that was all that was wrong. Wishing that maybe Coran was right, they'd be able to go home and act like none of this ever happened, even though there's a whole gap of time that he wasn't around his family. Things he'll end up learning about them for years after going back.

"Thanks, Coran. I'm sorry I keep reminding you of your home. I know it must be tough knowing you wont have your home to go back to after all this."

Coran sighed. "I have no trouble with you coming to me, Lance. It's nice to speak of it sometimes. It gets tiring keeping myself focused on everything else so I don't think of Altea." Coran picked up a bucket and bottle of cleaner. "Don't worry about me. I still have Allura, so not all is lost just yet. We'll find a place to settle when all of this is over."

Coran began cleaning again, back turned to Lance. He began humming as he sprayed the surface in front of him. The song was an ancient one, a lullaby that had been passed down from generation to generation in his family. His ears perked at a sudden idea. Maybe if he showed Lance a little more of the Altean culture, maybe taught Lance a few songs, the boy would feel a little more at home in the ship that doesn't resemble anything close to Earth. It would definitely feel nice to crack a joke and not have five pairs of eyes look at them worriedly, like the two Alteans had sprouted enormous antennae from their heads. Coran turned, lungs filed to spew out the idea before he could think better of it. The excitement left his body when he saw the spot where Lance had been just two ticks ago, empty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Space Uncle Coran is just so good at heart.  
> up next: Allura!


	6. Allura

Allura was in the control room of the castle, running diagnostics on the technology. She heard the doors slide open behind her and a pair of footsteps walk up. "Princess Allura." Lance. Wonderful, as if she didn't have enough to deal with, now she had to deal with Lance's incessant flirting.

"What's wrong?" she asked, trying to get this conversation over with so she could just get back to working. She didn't mind Lance. she certainty didn't hate him, but he was so much easier to deal with when everyone was around as a group acting as a buffer.

"I- uh... I just wanted to apologize for the constant flirting. I know it comes off a little.... weird, but I want to make sure you know it doesn't mean anything." Allura turned to look at him, an eyebrow raised. "I still 100% respect you, ya know. I don't.. I don't just see you as a girl or princess. You're a vital part of Voltron."

Allura didn't quite understand the apology. She was a girl, and she was a princess; and she didn't quite understand why those two things would mean she wouldn't be respected. It must be an Earth thing. If that was the case it put things in perspective every time she volunteered to go on a mission and Shiro would put up a stink about it. "Well.., thank you, Lance. I understand that you're not trying to disrespect me, it just gets a little... smothering, at times. Especially at inappropriate times."

"I know," Lance agreed, toeing the floor. "I'm working on it."

Allura smiled, unsure how to continue the conversation. Lance also seemed to be at the same stand still. He turned and made his way over towards the doors before pausing. "And, Allura?" Allura looked up. "I think King Alfor would be really proud of you and the woman you've become."

Allura was at a loss for words, a light blush coming to her face. What an odd thing to say, especially from Lance. "Is everything alright?" She asks.

Lance shrugged, "Yeah, everything is fine. I've just been doing a lot of thinking, and I figured I should apologize for my behavior."

"Well thank you, Lance. I'm glad you're growing up. I'm sorry it has to be because of this war your were thrown into, but you're coping rather well." She smiled, clasping her hands together.

Lance smiled, mouth closed.Then he sighed and looked back to the ground, facial expression troubled. "Princess if anything happens to us, would you be capable of flying a lion? I know they choose their paladins, but in times of crises, would one allow you to pilot them?"

Allura nodded, eyebrow quirked. "If the need arose, I do believe they would allow a temporary pilot to fight with them until the next true paladin came along."

"Oh, good," Lance sighed, scratching the back of his neck. "I've been thinking about that a lot, too. We don't have many people around that could become back-up paladins if one of us got... seriously injured."

Allura hummed. "You have nothing to fear, Lance. Everything sorts its self out eventually."

Lance nodded, the same soft smile gracing his lips. "Well, goodnight Princess. Don't stay up too late, you need your beauty sleep too." Then he winked and left the room, leaving Allura to shake her head at him fondly.

_____

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -I don't know how I feel about Allura. sometimes I love her and have mad respect for her and other times I'm like "fuck this alien orphan", because of how far up her ass her head tends to get.  
> -Anyways, look at Lance, walking into rooms, saying weird shit that makes everyone worried...  
> -Shiro is up next and I'm not sure how to go about it. I have two separate drafts that I need to combine, so... wish me luck.  
>  And as always, leave comments and kudos. Bookmark the heck out of it, if you want, I wont stop you ;P


	7. Shiro

Shiro was worried about Lance. He had been acting off, or rather, not acting quite as much as he usually does. His facade of happiness was slipping and Shiro didn't know if it was a good thing or not. Was Lance just becoming more comfortable around his team, or was the sadness and self- doubt inside becoming crippling?

Shiro made his way down the dim hallways towards the Snack Closet down the hall from his room, for a water pouch. It'd been a long day and he really wished he could just sleep. He had laid down for an hour, tossing and turning, doing breathing techniques just to calm his mind down even a little bit, but none of it worked. 

"Shiro," Allura called softly behind him. "What are you still doing up?" 

"I um..," he lifted his water pouch, doing his best not to take in her night gown. It was intricate in patterns and he wanted to study them. They were so odd to any patterns they had on Earth. "I got a little thirsty."

Allura gave an acknowledging smile. "I've actually been meaning to talk to you."

Shiro tried to hide his sigh. He really didn't want to talk right now. He wanted to go to sleep. How was he supposed to do that with even more thoughts added to his mind. "What is it, Princess?" he asked anyways, because she is a Princess, and he's a lowly Space Pilot.

"It's about Lance."

Oh. Maybe she might help resolve his Lance thoughts.

"Is he bothering you?" Shiro asked. He knows Allura would try to handle it herself before asking for help. But sometimes Lance doesn't pick up on social ques until someone screams at him.

"No!" Allura defends. "I'm actually very worried about him. His training is lacking, he's not connecting with his teammates. The mice have even told me that he's not sleeping, keeping to himself in the Observatory Deck. Something's wrong Shiro."

"He's homesick, Allura," Shiro dismissed. He knows somethings wrong. Or at least, more than just his homesickness. But Allura doesn't handle things delicately when it comes to these kids. She'll blurt out their personal problems when they're all in one room. "I'm not saying I'm not worried, but he's an outdoors kid who comes from a big family and now he's cramped in a small ship with six other people, trapped in space. He just needs some alone time."

It's not that," Allura says, an eyebrows quirked down to scold Shiro for dismissing her worry. "The other day he came to me to apologize for his behavior. That's not like Lance."

Shiro sighed, rubbing his face in exhaustion. "Alright, I'll look into it."

Allura nodded, seeming to realize that it was getting late and Shiro was getting agitated from the lack of sleep. "Sleep first," she ordered. "Lance will still be a problem in the morning."

Shiro nodded and grabbed another juice pouch to bring with him. 

He wasn't going back to bed. His talk with Allura only confirmed that maybe Lance wasn't doing well at all. He was going to go work off his exhaustion until he either collapsed in the training deck for at least twenty minutes, or until Hunk came to get him in the morning for breakfast.

On his way to the training deck, Shiro realized had passed every paladin of Voltron expect for Lance. Hunk was in the communal kitchen doing his best to recreate ice-cream ("It's one of the easiest recipes up here. Especially since we have Kaltenecker here" he had explained when Shiro gave him a deadpanned look.), Pidge was in her make shift lab, taking spare parts from deserted ships they've salvaged and making a space computer. (It will be even more compact than the one I already have," she practically squealed in excitement, slapping her palm on the previous computer on her desk. "Unfortunately it'll still be very bulky, compared to our Laptops on Earth, but it wont be 90's bulky anymore."), and Keith was already knocked out in his room from training too hard earlier.

At the elevators, Shiro contemplated looking for Lance. The corridor to their rooms was just a left hand-turn away. Sure, where could one human go when they were all trapped in a castle on a desolate jungle planet? Lance wasn't really the kind of guy who left without telling anyone where they were going. Although, he could have easily told someone, it didn't mean they had to report to Shiro immediately. But maybe, he was just in his room. Maybe he was napping.

Shiro could feel jealousy riding in his chest at the thought of Lance lazing around purposely being unconscious for an hour or two. Shiro would give his left arm to sleep, even if it was dreamless nights for the rest of his life. He shudders at the thought of sleeping. Of seeing orange hair so much like Pidge's, of condescending looks, of fear. He's tired of dreaming of killing, or of feeling his arm being sawn off over and over again, unable to wake up-

The ding of the elevator brought him back to the present. He needed to go find Lance. He turned away from the open doors, taking the left and ending up at Lance's door a few ticks later. He knocked, no reply. He knocked a little louder with no reply still. He propped the door open a jar, just enough to look in and be sure that, if Lance was in his room, he was okay. All he found was an empty bed, and the bathroom light wasn't on either. Panic started to set in, not that he was sure why. Lance was most likely fine. Maybe he was in the Sky Deck, or maybe he was in the communal room and was lying down and that's why Shiro didn't see him on his way to the training room and-

A feeling of peace took over the panic in his chest, warm vibes that spread through his body and made his fingertips tingle. Black was sending him vibes. A picture of the jungle and a swath of blue forced itself into his mind. Lance. Lance was out of the Castle and in the jungle. Shiro sighed, he had to go get him. They couldn't lose Lance just because the teen decided to leave the castle by himself. He quickly arrived to his hanger that contained the Black Lion. Black's holoscreens showed Blue's coordinates. Shiro set coarse.

The jungle planet was still basking in sunlight, the days here longer than most planets, forcing the Castle Ship to blackout its windows and setting the lights on a timer to keep those inside on their regular sleep schedule. Shiro wanted to laugh: like he had a normal sleep schedule in Space.

When Shiro found the location of the Blue Lion that Black had showed him he sighed in relief, as though he had held his breath the whole way from the castle. Unfortunately the relief didn't last very long. Blue sent Shiro vibes of worry. She was parked on a cliff. Parallel with the edge. On her back, helmet on the floor by his feet, stood Lance, as close to the edge as possible. Blue must have gotten his attention because Lance turned and looked directly at Black, far before Lance should have been able to hear Black's engines.

After landing, Shiro climbed onto Blue's front paw, beginning his ascent to her back. Fortunately, Blue was either in a rush to get him to help her paladin or simply didn't want to watch him make a fool of himself, and she raised her paw up, helping.

"Traitor," he heard Lance mumble to her lion. He made a face afterwards, as though Blue had scolded him, he crossed his arms in response like a petulant child.

"What are you doing here?" Shiro demands as soon as he joined Lance on Blue. The cliff below is full of boulders, earth long since fallen from where Blue stood now.

"I could ask you the same thing," Lance says, face unchanged as he keeps looking forwards, surveying the horizon. Trees close to Earth's, orange lakes spanned out before them. Take away the purple sky and the land would look like an Earthian sunset. Shiro sighed, rubbing his face. The sun still hurt his eyes after two years of living in a dark cell.

"Of course I was going to come find you," Shiro scolded, tired. "You left without telling anyone where you went, Lance. We were worried about you."

A noise came from Lance's throat. "Guess I have a habit of doing that, huh?' the corner of his mouth quirked up, amused but not impressed.

"What if we needed you?" Shiro asked. "What if we needed Voltron and you just decided to run off? What would you have done if one of us didn't come back because we didn't have Voltron to protect us?"

Shiro was met with silence in reply. When he looked at Lance, however, he got his answer. Lance was looking at the rocks below the cliff, inviting the Blue Paladin. Lance's throat was tight as he swallowed, eyes apprehensive, defeated with his body language screaming 'Determined'.

Shiro put his galra hand on Lance's shoulder immediately, not sure if Lance would wait for a fellow paladin to not make it home. "Lance," he swallowed. "Don't."

Lance turned to Shiro, blinking out of his stupor. "Don't what?" he asked, eyes clearer, pulling away from the edge and Shiro's grip. Lance looked at Shiro head on, Shiro didn't see anything in Lance's eyes.

"Look Lance, I know..," he sighed, thinking back to Beta Traz. "I know you don't think very highly of yourself."

"What?" Lance's eyes widened a little. "I think _just fine_ of myself, thank you very much." 

And there it was, it was the old Lance. The flamboyant Lance that used hand gestures constantly. It was hard not to want to leave it at that. For Shiro to just assume he was seeing things that weren't there. To think that Lance's sadness wasn't real, Lance was just quiet because he was bored. He'll snap out of it soon and everything will be fine.

But that's not true, and if Shiro really put his mind to it, Flamboyant, Gesticulate Lance was a lie. Always had been from the very beginning. Shiro can't ignore this anymore.

"You don't think you're important to the team," Shiro butted in.

"I-" Lance's brows furrowed a little, eyes darting away.

"You said the words yourself. You said you thought you were the team's sharpshooter, but you guessed no one else thought that. You don't feel like you have a 'thing' like the rest of us do."

Lanced blanched, " _**WELL WHAT THE HELL ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK!!?**_ " he yells, tears starting to form in his eyes. "You've mentioned it what, once? After _that_ mission! When else have I gotten a compliment from any of you?"

"Lance-"

"You come here and find me on the edge of a cliff and all you can say to me is that it would be my fault if someone dies because-" he gave a haughty huff of disbelieve. "Because I didn't let you all know I was going out to Kill myself!" the air escaped Shiro's lungs at the confirmed thought. " How is that fair?! You didn't even ask me if something was wrong with me. You act like I was coming out here to make your lives difficult, when in fact, it was the exact opposite.!" He covered his face, trying to hide the tears that had slipped.

"Lance, please," Shiro said softly, taking a light step forward. "Your death would impact us all." Hearing Lance talk like this scared Shiro. Lance was always the backbone of the team. If Shiro was missing Lance's sadness- what else was he missing? "What if we need to form Voltron?"

Lance stilled, eyes scrunched, hands balled into fists. "I can't believe this," he grit through clenched teeth. "Is that really all you have to say, Shiro?" Lance looked at him, betrayal in his eyes.

"You're important to us, Lance," Shiro defended. "We need you to form Voltron."

"No, you need _Five Paladins_ to form Voltron!" Lance snapped back. "I'm not meant to be a paladin!"

"What are you talking about?" Shiro asked. Of course Lance was meant to be a paladin. He was able to pilot two lions, both of whom chose him without him needing to prove himself over and over for them.

"Nothing," Lance shook his head, turning around. He began climbing down from Blue's back. "Just forget it. It's nothing important."

"Lance-"

"I'm heading back to the Castle. Hunk's probably made lunch by now."

Shiro followed Lance off the Blue lions back, afraid that maybe Lance would try a running head start towards the cliff. Fortunately, Lance did as he said, climbing into Blue. She stood, not looking back to Shiro or Black and lifted herself into the air.

Shiro did the same, climbing into Black and flying off, tailing Blue until both Lions made it safely into their respective Hangers.

He caught Lance as they left their hangars, face red and eyes puffy, posture hunched over in defeat. They were going to need to talk about today at some point. He wasn't sure how this could be fixed. He was just one adult, in space with a bunch of teenagers. How was he supposed to help Lance? Maybe, he hated to think it- but maybe he should tell the team, or maybe just the Alteans. He couldn't do this alone. They were all in this together. If one is down, they're all down until they pick themselves up together.

_____

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not exactly happy with this, buutttt I'm thinking that I have some options. Do a chapter of Lance and then start a whole nother cycle of POVs as Lance recovers? Leave this fic as is and start a Part 2 that resolves everything? I want to continue this, I'm just not sure which direction I should go. Any thoughts??  
> Also, guess who figured out how to _italicize_ words?? Me!! Now I just have to figure out how to Tab paragraphs.


	8. Lance

" _Lance will still be a problem in the morning._ " Allura had said. 

"Hmph." Lance stormed down the hallways of the castle from Blue's Hanger. Of course he was still a problem. What else would he be? It's not like he was useful to the team around him. If Shiro would have just listened to him, if he had just asked and given Lance the chance to explain, maybe today would've gone better. Or maybe he would have persuaded Shiro into throwing Lance off the cliff himself. _Good riddance._ The worst part was: he tried apologizing to Allura, and she still saw him as some burden; a constant headache.

Still, he can't believe he got caught, can't believe he told Shiro the _truth_. He had half a mind to lie. To tell Shiro he was just homesick and needed to be by himself. He didn't bother try to defend himself against Shiro's argument of flying off without telling anyone. Lance told Hunk he was going out, didn't say he'd be back. Hunk acknowledged what he said and told him what was for lunch, not once looking at Lance, either not hearing the emptiness in Lance's voice or ignoring it. It hadn't mattered to Lance.

Now Shiro was probably going to tell the team, and he'd be put under 24/7 surveillance. Like that mattered, Lance gave away the big secret. He wasn't dumb enough to try again while everyone was on eggshells around him. He wouldn't try again simply out of spite to Shiro. He's not a child who needs to be constantly worried over.

He can't imagine how the team will take the news. Pidge would roll her eyes, Keith would yell at him, Shiro would continue with that disappointed Dad look, and Hunk would probably worry over him day and night until Lance could convince him he was totally okay enough to not try killing himself again.

Lance took a deep breath, trying to calm his heartbeat. What was he going to do? He can't stay hidden in his room forever, and Hunk will drag him out for meals. It's not like he'll be allowed to be left alone for too much longer, anyways, once Shiro tells everyone he's a failure.

 

Lance took a deep breath. Hunk was making lunch. It had to be done by now, right? He just had to go out there and eat. He doubts Shiro had told the team yet. 

He walks into the kitchen, surprised to see only Hunk and Shiro in the room so far. Hunk notices him first, a loud greeting and an arm around his shoulder as he guides Lance over to the oven talking about taste testing. Lance's focus is on Shiro as Hunk greets him, the older paladin looking just as shocked to see Lance. Lance forces his shoulders to their normal position as Hunk took his attention once more. Obviously the Yellow Paladin hadn't been told of Lance's failed attempt, or else Hunk would have made it very clear how sad he would have been if Lance did manage to end it all.

The more of the team that trickled in, the more nervous Lance became. Soon even Allura and Coran were in the room eating with the Paladins. Lance felt almost sick in apprehension as everyone looked so calm, unaware that they almost lost a teammate.

"Whats wrong with you?" Comes Keith's voice from beside Lance as he's watching the others. Lance startles, dropping his spoon. 

"Huh?" Lance sputters. "Nothing. I'm fine, why?" All the while, he doesn't even look at Keith, his gaze fixed solely on Shiro, almost as though to beg Shiro not to say anything, not right now. Shiro gazes down, not able to look Lance in the eye. Lance could feel his heartbeat speed up to it. What does that mean? Was Shiro giving in to Lance's plea, defeated for now? Or was it guilt? Was this Shiro's way of saying 'Sorry Lance' before opening his mouth and saying 'Guys, Lance tried to kill himself tonight.'

"You're not eating," Keith answers. "Hunk put effort into this, you always eat the stuff Hunk puts effort into."

"I'm too tired to eat," Lance answers. It wasn't the most untruthful lie, either. The training mission they had gone on earlier left Lance wrecked both physically and mentally. 

He notices that the room was awfully quiet and he looks around the table, all the paladins stopping their own conversations to watch his and Keith's own drabble back and forth as though what they were talking about was Oh-So-Important.

Lance sighs and picks his bowl of soupy goo up, tipping the bowl towards his lips and sucks down a couple of mouthfuls before excusing himself, avoiding everyone's stares. "'S good, Hunk, thanks."

\----

He needed a shower. He needed something warm against his skin, the cold, never-changing temperature of the Castle was seeping into his bones and nesting, taking permanent residence.

He started the water and undressed, doing his best to avoid the reflection in the mirror. He knew what he'd see. Pale skin, purple under his eyes, the greasy dull mop of hair. He doesn't know how the others don't see his struggle. They only ask him if he's okay when he's quiet. Ironic, really. He's always worse the louder he becomes, but somehow they've interpreted it as 'Annoying old Lance'. But maybe they don't see it. He catches only a glimpse of himself from his peripheral vision. He looks normal. As normal as he's ever looked: skin darker than most of his teams', save Allura and Hunk; no evidence of the hollowness in his chest mimicked in his eyes. The team looks at him as though he were a glimpse. They see 'Alive and moving' the same as 'Safe and Happy'.

He flicks the switch that turns the water into a shower and steps in, already feeling marginally better as the warmth soaks into his core, his shoulders slumping and breathing slowing.

"If only it would stop," he mumbles into the water, keeping his eyes closed as his hands brace himself against the wall under the shower head. He wonders if he could use the shower to drown himself. He's not sure how it would work without clogging the drain and forcing his face into the two inches of collected water. Not that it would be worth it, the team would find him naked and that's just too embarrassing.

_No need to burden your team picking up after you_ , his mind supplied. He thinks about how much of a burden he is already. The team constantly guarding his back during missions, keeping an eye on him because he doesn't pay enough attention to his own surroundings. The team always filling him in on mission planning, because he gets too distracted watching everyone instead of listening.

He was supposed to fix that today. He was supposed to take those three steps off from Blue's back and have his skull bash against the rocks at the bottom. He didn't think about what would happen if the others found his body, mangled and bloody at the bottom of the cliff. He tried not to think about it. He was either going to go home at the end of this war, or he'd die bloody and gruesome; he wasn't sparing his teammates anything, looks-wise. At least he wasn't naked. 

He had been so close, too. He knows it. That emptiness in his chest had bloomed, exploding like a bomb echoing through his whole body. He had taken a breath, a foot raised, eyes closing to the scenery of orange lakes and purple skies and his body swayed forward-

Blue's vibes had filled Lance's whole body. ' _My cub, your teammate is here. Please, talk to him. He will listen. He will help._ '

She was so wrong. Shiro yelled at him, acted as though Lance had lost his mind, too stupid to think about the team. He didn't listen. Lance bets if he were Keith at the edge of that cliff, Shiro would have listened, would have told him he were worth something more than just a paladin of Voltron.

_That because Shiro would have wanted Keith; would have worried. Shiro doesn't care about you. None of them do._

_You're not worth the emotional input._

_You're not worth anything._

Lance didn't fight the ache of his throat as a sob fought its way up. He only knew tears dripped down his face from the stinging of salt against his eyes, the tears mixing with the warm water.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Is anyone ever satisfied with their own chapter endings?? lol.   
> -Its taken me quite a long time to get my ass in gear and write the continuation for this damn fic. But I'm finally doing it! lol. Hope y'all enjoy :)


	9. Shiro

Lance excused himself from the communal kitchen, six pairs of eyes following him as he went. "Has Lance been acting weird to any of you guys?" Hunk asks.

Shiro heart drops at the question. If Hunk was picking up on it, were the others? Did Lance show signs of his downward spiral, and the team didn't do anything about it? His blood temperature lowered as the rest of the team nodded their heads. He doesn't like this. They were supposed to be a team, how did no one connect the dots? Did any of them even try to console Lance? Shiro hates to think it, but he has to tell them. They needed to know that a teammate was down, and that they were part of the problem.

Shiro cleared his throat. "When you're all done with lunch, I need you to clean up and congregate to the communal room. We have something important to discuss. Just us, not Lance."

Everyone looked incredibly confused at his statement, unsure with his tone, but now feeling a sense of concern.

~ 

It's only a half hour later when they all meet up. Shiro is, as always, the first to arrive. Allura and Coran are next followed by Keith, Hunk, and finally Pidge.

"What's going on, Shiro?" Keith asks from the couch, arms crossed like he'd rather be anywhere else. 

Pidge had brought her laptop. Shiro wasn't sure why she did. Maybe she thought this conversation wasn't going to be important, maybe it was to keep updated in finding her brother. Whatever the reason, it was still tucked under her arm ten minutes later, ignored, as she sat next to Keith. "Why didn't we let Lance know about this meeting?"

"Is he in trouble?" Hunk asks, anxious, as he sits on the arm of the couch beside Keith.

It was a good opening for Shiro. Start right at the beginning. "Are any of you aware that Lance was missing a few hours ago?"

Everyone but Hunk shook their heads. "I think he mentioned he was going out," Hunk said, finger to his chin. "I told him to be back for space soup."

Lance had lied to him, Shiro concluded. Why, he's not sure. What was the harm in correcting Shiro? "I went looking for him."

"Did you yell at him for wasting gas or something?" Pidge snorted, not finding her own joke of much humor. "Is that why he was in such a sour mood?"

Shiro didn't want to say it. He didn't want his team upset about something that was gratefully avoided. But he owed it to them. He owed it to Lance, who needed a support system and he wasn't going to get one if the team didn't understand the severity.

"Hunk, you said he was acting weird?" Hunk nodded. "How so?"

"He's just been in his own head lately. A few weeks ago he gave me a box of his stuff. He said he was trying to de-clutter his life, reinvent himself."

God, Lance had been planning this. They had only been on this planet for two days, which meant Lance didn't have everything down to the last detail, something must have happened for him to decide that today was going to be the day.

"Shiro-"

"What else? You all agreed, when Hunk asked at lunch. What's been going on with Lance?"

"He's been homesick," Pidge spoke up. "He's been talking about his family a lot."

"Lance does that quite often," Coran added.

"He talks about them in past tense," Pidge finished. "Like he's not going to see them again."

"He's asked forgiveness from me," Allura says from beside Shiro, something he already knew. If she hadn't said something about it earlier, maybe Shiro would have never gone looking for the Blue Paladin. "For his constant flirting and foolishness."

"He thanked me for my companionship." Coran adds.

"This sounds bad." Hunk bites his nails.

"It sounds like he's saying his goodbyes," Keith growls, Shiro knowing he's connecting the dots from personal experience.  
"Shiro-"

"Would Lance try something like that?" Pidge asks, looking to Hunk.

Hunk sighs, crossing his arms. "He gets low a lot, used to hurt himself, even. But- I don't know. Three months ago I would have said 'Probably not',"

"And now?" Keith asks, hands fidgeting with his gloves. 

"Now.... he's making gestures and acting weird enough to say,' yeah'," he shrugs worriedly. "I think we should talk to him before he tries something."

"It's too late for that," Shiro admits, eyebrows sloped in guilt. Five pairs of eyes snap to him. "He went missing today and I went looking for him." Does it matter how Lance was going to kill himself? The team will accept his word no matter how detailed Shiro gets. No, it matters. If they know everything now, the less they have to bombard Lance with questions later. "I found him on a cliff. He was going to-" Shiro shook his head. "He _told me_ he was there to kill himself."

"Why would he do such a thing?" Allura gasps. Lance was a Paladin of Voltron. He had a victory to win, and Voltron couldn't do it without Lance there.

"He doesn't feel important," Pidge answers. "He doesn't think he has a special trait like the rest of us do, so he feels separate from us. Like he's less than us."

"How could you know that?" Keith asks.

"Beta traz," Shiro answers. "When we went to rescue Slav, Lance started talking to the warden's Yupper. Pidge and I don't think Lance knew his com unit was on. He said he felt like a 7th Wheel."

"But Lance is such a kind soul," Coran defends. "He takes care of all of us!"

Shiro shrugs. "He doesn't see it that way. He think he makes our lives difficult."

Keith starts popping his knuckles to keep from punching something, Hunk being the closest to him.

 

"Wh-What's goin on?"

 

Six pairs of lungs stop breathing at the same time as their gazes fall on Lance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dun, Dun, DUUNNNNNN! >:)  
> -How is the team conversation with Lance going to go!?  
> \- What's the longest fic title someone has read on AO3? Apparently you can have a title of 250 characters and that just seems crazy. The only things that should have long titles are Panic! at the Disco songs.


	10. Pidge

"Wh-what'ss going on?" Lance's voice sounds from the doorway, thick with anxiety, looking as though he already has an inkling as to what's going on.

For a moment, no one says anything, everyone waiting with baited breath. Not sure what they were waiting for. Lance wasn't yet aware of the conversation. "I told them," Shiro finally says, shoulders squaring off in determination. " I didn't want to, but you left me no choice."

_Please say it's not true. Please say it's not true._ Pidge thinks, and she was sure all the rest of them felt the thought as well.

Lance's brows furrow a little, and Pidge would be lying if she wasn't hoping it was in confusion, Shiro just going a bit crazy and making things up. "There's always a choice," he grumbles instead, crossing his arms and looking away from everybody, shame on his face.

Everyone releases their breath, in disappointment, in guilt, in fear. 

"Why didn't you say something?" Hunk asks desperately.

Lance 'tsk's. "Why, so you can all be constantly worried over me?"

"Better than you being dead..." Pidge chokes, voice low, not looking at Lance. She sucks her bottom lip into her teeth, trying to keep from crying as she imagines what would have happened had Lance succeeded. She would have lost another person she loved and this time it would have been partly her fault. When she gazes up, not sure if maybe this was a dream and Lance really was dead, Lance's face contorts from shocked to worry to guilt, twisting into a red mess as he stares at her, tears collecting in his eyes.

"I'm sorry," Lance says around the lump in his throat, looking lost for words. He looks around the room, glances falling on Keith the most. Keith who was oddly quiet through out this whole conversation; who, as the hot-headed, straight-forward Kind of guy, should be screaming at Lance in misunderstanding.

"That's not enough," Allura scolded. "You almost put this team in Jeopardy!

"How?!" Lance defends, face red and shoulders hunched.

"You would have left this team with only four of us," Shiro finishes. "I told you Lance, you're important to us."

"Allura said she'd take over!" Lance practically screams. Everyone looked to Allura betrayal, shock, and confusion on their faces.

"I said I was sure the lions would allow me to stand in if absolutely necessary," she clarifies, her delicate hands in fists.

"That doesn't mean you run off and kill yourself!" Shiro scolds, heated.

Lance looks like he wants to scream, looks like he wants to punch something and destroy the whole room in a fit of rage.

It's the first time Pidge has seen true emotion on Lance's face, if she's honest. Sure, Lance always has that carefree attitude, but his eyes have never held life within them before. His smiling eyes always fell short of happiness. They were almost hollow, something Pidge saw more and more of the longer they resided in space.

Lance doesn't say anything to defend himself and it's off-putting. Lance always gets the last word in, especially if it's an argument that undermines him.

"I don't understand why," Coran pipes up. "I know you're sad, but it has to be more than homesickness."

Lance shrugs, looking as though he's not even going to try to make a case of defense.

And that almost angered Pidge. Why isn't he saying anything? Why isn't he explaining anything? Lance isn't one to not talk about himself, his feelings. Christ, he talked about being less than everyone else on the team to a complete stranger. Sure, it ended up being an animal, a pet; but Laika continuously saying 'Yup' didn't seem to deter Lance all that much. The one time he tried defending himself, he turned that around into something negative too. 

"You can't just shrug!" Keith growls beside her, offended, arms crossed in a fit. "You owe us an answer. We could have lost you!"

And those aren't the words Pidge expected to come out of Keith's mouth. She expected _'Don't be so selfish'_ or _'Your life matters for the purpose of Voltron. Outside feelings are useless, Lance. it's time to soldier up."_ Hell, that's what he practically said to _her_ when she wanted to leave to find her father and brother.

Lance looks startled and confused as well, but he still doesn't give an answer. "I..." is as far as he gets, a whole sentence there that he's too scared to say. He looks desperate, his hands rubbing his arms in self-comfort.

"Why didn't you come find one of us?" Keith asks, voice low, his eyes staying right on Lance. "I told you to talk to us when you felt like this."

Pidge makes a noise low in her throat, shocked. Keith knew? Keith knew and apparently they had a heart-felt conversation about it?

Keith huffs at her noise, agitated.

"I didn't see the point," Lance answers softly, looking to his feet, eyes dulling and cheeks flushing. He keeps fidgeting and Keith's agitation only seems to grow.

"You have to talk to us," Keith scolds, his voice even lower. He finally stands up, his fists clenched and Pidge feels herself hold her breath. Is Keith going punch Lance? Why isn't anyone else saying anything? She knows its because something deep down wants to watch, wants to see Lance hurt like he wanted to hurt them. Lance keeps taking small steps back as Keith approaches, his mind in the same place as Pidge's. Keith's strides slow, and Lance seems to recollect himself, shoulders relaxed, and eyes kept at Keith's mouth or chest.

Lance startles when Keith reaches out to him, his body close and- oh god, what are they gonna do? Are they gonna kiss? Are they dating? If they kiss, Hunk totally owes her $20 Gak. But they couldn't be dating with how _red_ Lance's face is getting, unless he's just nervous about kissing in public? That doesn't sound right though, because she's run into Lance making out with an upper-level cadet in the hall by their shared living space. He even stopped to say hi to Pidge as she walked passed. She certainly picked up the pace to leave that scenario.

Either Keith chickened out, or was never going in to plant one on Lance, because instead he raised his arms and wrapped them around Lance, everyone stilling even more so for a moment, even Keith stilled. Lance quickly put his arms around Keith, his head dipping into the junction of Keith's neck and shoulder. 

"Lo siento," Lance mumbles into Keith's collar, his chest unmoving as he keeps crying quiet and under control. It doesn't last long once Hunk gets up and puts his arms around the two shorter boys. Lance looks up to Hunk and Pidge could see the tears flow freely. Pidge decided she needed to get in there too. Shiro, Coran, and Allura got into the bonding experience as well, and soon they were a giant human/alien ball of limbs and tears intertwining in comfort as Lance keeps apologizing over and over again. It's sincere, but it still sounds misplaced.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Woooo what a doozy!!  
> -originally I was going to make this in Keith's P.O.V. which would have better explained what Keith was doing so close to Lance, but I have something better and angstier for that small child. His Chapter will be a couple away.   
> -Besides I had nothing planned for Pidge. So boom. The stars aligned.  
> -Hunk's is up next, it gets a little heated.   
> -Will everything start to look better for Lance?


	11. Hunk

Lance calls it babysitting. Hunk can see why, but it shouldn't be seen that way between the two of them. They were best friends. They had been together through thick and thin. Hunk was here to hang out, something Lance wasn't letting them do all that often lately, and he guesses, Lance had a reason for it. Distance them to make it easier for the both of them once Lance was gone.

Which is why its so awkward being in his room, sitting in a chair in the corner as Lance sat on his bed looking like he was three seconds away from a tantrum. "You don't have to be here, you know."

"I know," Hunk answered, trying not to let Lance's tone get to him.

"I'm not going to do anything."

"I know."

"Then why are you still here? Go hang out with Pidge."

"I want to hang out with you." Hunk answers. "We haven't hung out as just the two of us in a long time."

Lance shrugs. "What's there to do?"

Hunk takes a quiet breath, trying not to allow Lance to get to him. Lance is just lashing out. "We can talk?" Lance rolls his eyes. "We can explore the castle. We can train together. We can go bake something. I know cooking helps you too."

"We don't have the stuff to make what I want."

"Lance please,"

"I'm sorry, am I being to difficult for you?"

"Lance, don't-"

"'Lance don't' what? Huh? Lance don't be bothersome? Lance, don't start something?" Lance huffs and rolls his eyes again.

"Don't shut me out!" Hunk yells back. "I'm your best friend. I'm here for you. But I can't help you if you don't let me. How are you supposed to feel validated if we don't know you feel invalid?"

"Just listen to me! Talk to me! Acknowledge that I exist instead of passing me off to the next person like-like some juguete aburrido*(Boring Toy)!"

"We try to, but you just slink off after ten minutes! You're the one who keeps walking away!"

"What else am I supposed to do?! Sit there and play dumb while Pidge scolds me? You won't even say two words after 'Hey Lance, what's up?'"

Hunk sighs. "I'm sorry. I'm just- I'm super concentrated on fixing whatever it is that needs to be fixed. A lot of the things that break around here are important. We're in space. If something breaks, it needs to be fixed before we get into another battle!"

"I know! Meirda!" Lance growls, " But I could ramble on and you don't even absentmindedly acknowledge me." 

Hunk shrugs. "I'm sorry, man. It's nothing against you." He doesn't really know what to say. Lance won't let him in. Hunk didn't realize that Lance felt so abandoned up here. He figured, if anything, Lance was closer to everyone. No longer distracted by the Cool Kids at the Garrison and failing under the pressure of Iverson and his parents. Hunk thought Lance would thrive up here. Sure, Shiro and Allura would scold him, but at some point they would all have to get over it and converse. They were in space, only seven speaking beings forced into a castle. Hunk had noticed how Lance and Keith got along, he figured that just meant everything was getting a little easier for Lance..

"Why didn't you talk to anyone about this?"

"Who was there to listen?" Lance answer, shrugging as though it were not big deal.

"We all were."

"Oh please," Lance snorts. "Shiro found me _on the edge of a cliff_ and he didn't even ask what was wrong. He was mad that I had run off and _blamed me_ if one of you guys died because I wasn't there to form Voltron."

Hunk faltered. That didn't sound like Shiro at all. "Well- maybe you interpreted his words wrong?"

Lance laughed, void of any mirth. "Oh yeah, that's true I guess. I forget that I'm usually very much overreacting." His words dripped with sarcasm.

"That's not what I'm saying."

Lance sighed, all energy drained out of him. "No, you just trust him. I get it. I'm not worth your trust, so anything I say must be false."

"No, I just think, because you're upset, that you're being biased."

Lance rubbed his forehead, "Dios mio," he mumbled.

"What happened, Lance? You were doing well, even in your low points. Why did you decide...?" he couldn't put the idea in words.

Lance fiddled with his fingers as he sat thinking. "I don't have a thing."

"What?"

"I don't have a special thing. I don't bring anything to the table."

"Lance, that's not true."

"What do I bring to the table that you don't Hunk?" Lance snapped, fingers fisted in his sheets. "I can cook, but you've got that covered. I thought I was good at fighting, but that's Keith's thing. I'm not smart like Pidge, I'm not level-headed like Shiro. I don't have a thing."

"You give us hope, Lance," Hunk answered quietly. Lance looked up, confusion on his face. "Faamoemoe. Esperanza."

"I'm the goofball. How can I be looked at seriously if everyone sees me as unreliable?"

"No one thinks you're unreliable."

"None of you come to me for help. I'm always getting yelled at, and none of you trust me."

"We can form Voltron, Lance. We trust all of each other with our lives. If we didn't trust you, we wouldn't be able to form Voltron."

"Forget it."

Hunk sighed, he didn't understand what Lance meant. And Lance wasn't trying to explain, either. He had become so cryptic up Here in space, it was no wonder Keith was always by his side. "Look, Lance. We love you. We're here for you if you need us. You just have to open up to us, okay? We'll do anything we need to to help you feel okay again, I promise."

Lance nodded, but he didn't add anything more, keeping his eyes down and his mouth turned down in a small frown.

Hunk sighed in disappointment. "I'm going to go and make some lunch. If you don't show up for lunch, I'll bring some to you."

Lance still didn't use his voice, so Hunk left. He allowed the door to close behind him before he let his shoulders hunch in defeat. He knows Lance isn't being cruel. He was being difficult, sure. He was upset, he's put in the spot and backed into a corner. Hunk understands that Lance is being this way with him especially, because he can get away with it without it turning into a yelling argument.

So Pidge and Shiro were right in their assumptions. Lance didn't feel like he brought anything to the table when it came to the team. But that was so wrong. Lance took care of all of them, made sure they were rested and well fed. He would talk them out of sad thoughts and listen when any of them needed to simply vent. His happy demeanor kept their head above water when surely they'd sink without the distraction .

Hunk supposes he should let the others know that they were going to have to try a little harder to let Lance see his own self- worth.

 

__________________________________________________________________________________

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Full disclaimer: I think Lance is capable of being difficult/ rude when upset, but he'd never be insensitive. Especially to Hunk.  
> -I'm not sure how I feel about this Chapter. Hunk can only do so much, but I'm so bad at happy, sappy, rays of sunshine conversations. Hunk will do anything to make Lance feel okay but without Lance's direction, he doesn't even really know where to start.  
> -Also I was really hoping to put the English translation in white, so readers could highlight it and see the translation without the text looking like a mess, but whatever AO3, make my life difficult.  
> \- and as always when it comes to other languages: I used google translate! So if anything's wrong, or if there's a smoother way to translate, let me know!  
> -comments are always appreciated!


	12. Coran

Lance sought Coran out. When he walked into the room Coran was currently in, mop in hand as he cleaned the floor after another case of the 'Slipperies', Coran looked surprised, if not a little startled. "Hello number 3," he said, his overly cheerful demeanor missing.

"Hey Coran," Lance answered, sitting on a steep of dry stairs.

"You alright, M'Boy?" Coran asks, noticing the slumped shoulders. Lance looks up from where he sat, a small, stretched smile across his face, looking at Coran like he was grateful for something Coran wasn't aware of. "What can I do for you?"

"What do you think would have happened had I... you know?" He kept his gaze by Coran's feet, watching the mop be pushed back and forth.

Coran slowed in his mopping as he thought. The team would have fallen apart, he knows. "The Castle would have become awfully quiet." he answers honestly.

Lance huffs in an attempt to laugh. "Wouldn't that be a good thing?"

"I don't believe so, no." Coran answers honestly. "Your rambles help the team, Lance. Just as mine do. I'm aware mine are a little more obnoxious to the five of you, not understanding half the words I say, but Allura enjoys the things I say. Your fellow Paladins enjoy your company as well."

"It doesn't feel like it." Lance sighs.

"Indulge me," Coran says, turning his back to Lance as he continues mopping the salty streaks of dried sweat he had left. Allura laughs every time he goes through these spells, encourages him in telling him its just a sign of getting older and wiser. But she doesn't have to clean up after it. It gets _everywhere_.

"It's not just one thing, Coran," Lance explains, uncertainty in his voice. "They never outwardly say I'm annoying, but their body language tells me enough. They way their conversations stop for a second simply to look at me and deem what I said _worthless_ before picking up where they left off like I didn't exist!" He sighs. "Sometimes...sometimes I want to play a game, see how long I can go without talking before they become concerned. I wouldn't become mute, but I wouldn't talk unless addressed." He pauses. "Obviously I can't do it now, with everyone watching me like hawk. They'd think-" he stops.

"If Shiro hadn't found you, do you really think you would have taken your own life?" Lance flinches at the words and Coran only feels marginally sorry. They couldn't act like Lance's actions didn't have a name. He wasn't broken. His sadness wasn't an unknown factor to mental health. Perhaps there was a softer way to word it though.

Lance's bottom lip trembles and his eye mist over. "I was so close Coran," he nods, the confession sounding heart-wrenching; a broken voice and tears conveying the guilt. "The only thing stopping me was Blue's reaction to Shiro."

"And how did we feel when Shiro was suddenly there stopping you?"

Lance's eyes looked off into the distance. His eyebrows knit together and he bows his head. "Hopeless," he murmured. "I just- I _hurt_ constantly, and it's nothing anyone can even fix. I'm tired all the time from trying to figure out what my words or actions will accomplish or set in motion... Blue thought trying to talk to Shiro would help but he was so- upset and...condescending to me." 

"He was probably scared, Lance," Coran explained gently. "Finding out you could lose someone isn't an easy thing to take in."

"But he yelled at me. He was cruel. He told me someone was going to die because of me, because I wouldn't have been there if they needed Voltron."

"That's partly true, Lance." Coran agreed softly. "Its important that Voltron has all five paladins to take form when needed. The short period of time between you dying and the team finding a replacement would be dangerous!"

"It was his only excuse!" Lance sits up, arms splayed in defense. When Coran looks at him startled Lance hunches, elbows on his knees. "Is that all I am, Coran? A Paladin of Voltron?" he sounds so defeated.

It agitates Coran a little. Alfor had given his all to become worthy to the lions, even Coran had always offered himself in times of need, only to be ignored, unneeded. The newest Blue Paladin didn't work for his lion's trust. He simply recognized its sentience and Blue instantly fell in love. He sighs, no, its not worth getting worked up over. A paladin is a paladin by a lion's choosing, not by a wanna-be's worth. "Some would think that Life's Greatest Honor."

"But what about _Lance_?" he says. "Is Lance nothing? Am I just the Blue Paladin? I feel like I disappear when I'm not in my armor. No one sees me, they don't pay attention to me." He rubbed his face in frustration. "I've sacrificed everything. I've given up my family, my home planet, my safety, my _life_ and what have I gotten in return?" he rests his forehead in a hand. "I know it's selfish of me to think of myself so important that people should be taking time out of their day to pay attention to me, but I can't help it. I want someone to look at me and _see me_ and see that I'm not okay. We've been up here for so long, and everyday it feels like it just gets worse and I have no way of making it better." he sighs. "On Earth I was the Tailor, I was an older brother, I was a member of something. I had family and best friends. I don't.. I don't have any of that up here. I'm nothing. I'm simply a soldier."

Coran remembers a few soldiers back on Altea that felt similar to their blue Paladin, feeling as though they were simply a disposable body for the king. "You were born into this universe for a reason, Lance" Coran says instead of telling him about the soldiers talking ill against their king in fear of their death not meaning anything. He supposes they had a point. He doesn't remember any of their names. "And I don't think the Universe created you just so you could throw yourself off a cliff. Maybe it _was_ simply to become a Paladin of Voltron, save the universe from those who want to hurt others for being deemed less. But maybe it was because Space needed a kind soul and saw your potential and gave you a chance. You're the glue to this dysfunctional family up here in space. I believe you're here to keep all our heads a float."

"I'm unreliable." Lance chuckles self-deprecatingly

"Nonsense!" Coran straightens and faces his favorite paladin. "They all rely on you quite a bit. You're extremely level headed when it comes to stressful situations. I know Shiro wants Keith as the back-up Black Paladin, but in my genuine opinion, you'd be a better match. Of course it's up to the lions anyways, but you're such a Mother-Chitlbird."

Lance furrowed his eyebrows in loss.

Coran sighed. He should really make all the paladins take a low-level class on Altean animals. "A very nurturing being that looks after its own."

"A mother hen?" Lance asks, unsure. 

Coran's going to guess it's close in comparison. Coran cocks his head to say 'why not?'.

Lance sighs, and Coran thinks he looks marginally better than than he did when he came in. He still looks tired, as though he hasn't slept in three Quintents. He doesn't look satisfied with the conversation, and Coran hopes he hasn't made Number Three feel worse. He's glad though, that Lance came to see him, to talk to him. He knows the others had a difficult time talking to Lance, their words not of encouragement and Lance's not open and inviting. The many silent breakfasts where there were only few words exchanged about what to do with Lance frustrating the Advisor. He sees they're all frustrated as well, mad at themselves for not helping Lance sooner, but they go about talking to the darker boy with accusation in their words.

"Thanks, Coran," he doesn't seem all that satisfied with the conversation, but one talk isn't going to fix everything. Coran doubts even Lance knew what he wanted from his conversation.

"Anytime, M'Boy," Coran encourages. "You always know where to find me."

He watches the Blue Paladin slink out. He's not disappointed that Lance isn't smiling and promising everything is Good and Dandy. And Coran knows Lance appreciates that Coran didn't promise everything was going to get better, that Lance would be fixed in no time. This illness wasn't a wound a Healing Pod would help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -I honestly could not think of a single thing for the Altean chapters, and then within a day, I had both chapters done! And I'm actually happy with them!  
> -Tell em what ya think! Mannered comments are always welcome!


	13. Allura

Oddly enough, it's in the training room that Allura finds Lance. She wasn't outwardly seeking him out, but the mice seemed frantic that she follow them. By the time they made it to the training room, the poor things were exhausted from running, stopping every few hops to be sure Allura was still trailing behind the small creatures.

Inside she heard grunting from a practicing Paladin. She peered in and found Lance, fully dressed in his Paladin armour, skin pale and shining in sweat, blood down his cheek where a gladiator nicked him. She waited for the simulation to end before she made her presence known. 

"Oh, Hey princess," Lance says, not making eye contact. He hasn't made much eye contact with any of the team since the gathering in the common room. It's only been a few days since he's come out of his private quarters to eat with the team, still quiet. It left a bad taste in their mouth, the silence that surrounded the table; she was sure it left a bad taste for Lance as well, but they understood that he wasn't in the mood to fill the silence with his harmless jokes and they weren't going to make him put on a mask for their own comfort.

"Hello, Lance." She smiled politely in reply. 

"Did you need something?" He asks, not willing to make small talk just yet. She still feels his shame of them knowing his inner feelings radiating from him.

"Um, no," She answers, "The mice actually lead me here, they were insistent I check this room." She looks him over and maybe he looks a little ill. "Are you alright?"

"Peachy," he answers, looking over his activated bayard. She thinks about him alone in a room with a weapon. She doesn't think that a bayard would allow him to use it against himself, but maybe she should talk to Shiro about locking up the other weapons.

"How long have you been in here?" She asks, watching his expression.

Lance shrugged. "A couple of hours maybe. Pidge made sure I was still alive a few of hours ago."

He deactivated his bayard, his form slumping as though all exhaustion had suddenly hit him. The bags under his eyes seemingly darkened. The mice ran to his feet and he knelt to allow them to jump into his hand and climb to his shoulders, nuzzling his jaw.

She ignored his comment. It had been explained to him multiple times that checking in on him was only for his benefit. If he felt he was being ignored the best they could do was always make sure they acknowledged his presence. It wasn't to be sure he hadn't hurt himself, although it did lessen the chance of his mind taking over in such a negative way. "When did you sleep last, Lance?"

Lance sighed. "I don't know." He answers and it's probably the most honest and straightforward thing he has said in a while, everything else a distraction from the question or a lazy explanation half concocted.

"Do you need any medicines to help you sleep? I'm sure we have something non-addictive for you humans."

Lance sighed, looking defeated. There was a pause, no response to her question before he cocked his head with an empty expression. "What do you need from me?"

She was caught off guard. "I'm sorry?"

"We haven't had a one-on-on yet," he points out casually. "Everyone wants to talk about it. My _feelings_. So. What is it you want to hear?"

"Just honesty," she answers, unaware that the others had sought him out. "I didn't come to talk with you specifically. But since I'm here..." She folds her hands in her lap. "I don't understand why you would want to waste your life when it has such an important role to the universe?"

"Pretty selfish, huh?" Lance mumbles as he turns away.

"I think so yes." She answers honestly. And seeing that Lance recognizes it as well, he must have a good reason as to why he would try so anyways.

"Being a paladin of Voltron comes with a lot of respect, don't you think?"

"Absolutely-"

"Then why don't I get any?" Lance answers.

Allura quirked an eyebrow. Of course Lance was respected. "I don understand. The inhabitants you've saved from the Empire have high regards for you. They speak nothing but praise for you."

"I mean from the team."

"They don't think so lowly of you as you seem to believe." She scolds.

"No, they think I'm a useless goofball." Lance muttered. "You hear them during missions. They don't think I'm taking things seriously. Why, because I can hear Hunk panicking over the coms so I talk to ground him? I'm out of position because Pidge gets distracted so I have to cover for her? You all think I'm a burden."

"Lance, you could never be a -"

"You said so yourself."

Allura took a breath to defend herself. Never has she said that Lance is a burden. Is he overwhelming with how often he opens his mouth? Sure. But he's not cruel and he stops when asked.

"' _Lance will still be a problem in the morning._ ',"He recites." That's what you said. I heard you just before I left to-" he stopped and sighed, seemingly even _he_ didn't feel comfortable saying the words aloud.

"Lance, you heard wrong!"

"You can't lie to me, Allura!" he snaps, hands in fists, the mice all on his shoulders and top of his helmet, their little claws making small screeching noises as they dug into the material of the protective wear.

"I'm not," Allura snapped back, authority in her voice. "I had gone to Shiro to ask about you, because you worried me!"

Lance let go of the breath he was taking in, a lecture dying on his tongue. "But I didn't-"

"You weren't acting as yourself," she lowered her tone to a soft coo, shoulders relaxing. "The mice told me you hadn't been sleeping-" he shot a look at the largest mouse that sat on his shoulder. "And then you came to apologize for your flirting. I know Lance. I know it's nothing I need to worry about. It doesn't bother me unless it's at inappropriate times. " Hunk had explained to her after she had snapped at him early on in their connecting story lines. Lance flirts with her, giving her the crappiest, cheesiest lines he could come up with as he had done with his sisters, a contest so see who's line was the most embarrassing.

Lance only gapes at her, no response coming.

"You had also been lacking in training," she adds. "If this is what you've been doing at night, I see now why you're so uncoordinated during group sessions."

Sill no response from the Blue paladin.

Allura sighs, still trying to soften her demeanor so Lance will open up to her. "We care about you, Lance. You are part of something more than a team. You are part of this little family that we have become and even if you weren't part of Voltron we would still care dearly for you."

Lance's eyes tear up and he turns to face away, a hand coming up to wipe his face. "I'm sorry," he croaks as his throat closes up from the emotions.

Allura steps up to him, a tentative hand reaching up to pat his shoulder, the mice moving and quickly jumping to her arm and up her shoulder once she connected with Lance's armor.

"It's alright, Lance. Now that we know, we can start to help you. You have to speak up when we treat you this way, otherwise we'll keep doing so, not realizing that what we are doing or saying is detrimental to you."

Lance nodded, his tears reduced to light sniffles, his stress having gotten the better of him. "I'll do what I can," Lance finally answered. "But you have to remember, I come from a big family. I don't.... I didn't often have the opportunity to speak my mind."

Allura nodded. "We will work on it. Both you and the rest of the team shall grow from here." She gave a small smile, and Lance gave a softer one in return, still looking uncertain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- I was worried Allura was going to be a bit hard-hearted towards Lance with all this, but I popped this baby out and she was actually a bit soft with the smol boi.


	14. Keith

Keith took a deep breath and knocked three times on Lance's door. He could hear whatever Lance was doing, the sound of metal on metal ceasing its clinking for a fraction of a second before resuming.

Oh no, Lance wasn't going to ignore him. They needed to talk. "Lance," he warned, one good solid knock accompanying the call.

The metal clinking stopped, something rubbed against another thing, and he heard Lance take a breath. Seconds after, Lance opened the door, his face schooled into a blank expression. It was common these days, but Lance was able to hold the mask well even when he was upset. It was unnerving to see, if he was so good at not showing any feelings, what other masks was he able to use to cover up emotions? "Come to babysit me?" he bit. The puncture wounds barely breaking Keith's defenses due to the monotone of it.

"Do you need to be babysat?" Keith asked, already knowing the answer Lance didn't give.

He stayed quiet instead and retreated back into his low lit room, allowing Keith to follow. Lance looked on edge, nervous in body language. He kept his eyes down whenever Keith went to face him, feet pointed away, arms crossed.

Keith turned his attention to the room instead, knowing the longer he stared at Lance, the quicker the Cuban was going to snap and start an argument. He kept his expression blank like Lance's as he surveyed the room. There was nothing. The walls lacked in shelving, only a few here and there on a wall. Even Keith's room had at least four shelves littered with small things, small trinkets. His knife, a smooth rock Lance had found and asked Keith to carry, then forgetting about it. A spork Hunk had whittled for 'In case of emergencies.' He left that one there in his room, knowing Hunk carried a bag of them, keeping them stored away in Yellow.

The nightstands were empty, whatever Lance was doing before Keith had arrived had been stowed away. The bedding on Lance's bed looked fresher than Keith's sheets, embarrassingly so. Keith supposes he should probably change his, it's been a while.

Lance's room was so clean, and Keith knew he was standing there in visible shock and his mouth was probably wide open.

"What?" Lance huffed.

"You're room is empty." There was nothing. The few shelves he had in the room didn't hold anything, looking as though they had even been dusted. Where were all of Lance's trinkets? Keith knew Lance collected _something_ from each planet they visited. Rocks, leaves, flowers, jewelry, shells, even fossils. But there was _nothing_.

"Yeah so?" was Lance's indignant response, flat and empty just like his room.

"What about all that crap you collect?" Maybe not the nicest choice of words, but when it came down to it, that's what it was. Crap. Just like that stupid rock Keith kept or the stupid spork. It was crap. Crap with meaning.

"It got put away," was Lance's answer, nodding his chin towards his closet as he shuffled over. It was small, like Keith's, each paladin having one in their room. Pidge's was full of dirty clothes she pushed into it to make her room 'clean' again. Keith kept his jacket, sleeping clothes he never touched, and his B.O.M. suit in his own.

Lance slid the door open to show Keith. Inside his clothes hung neatly on hovering space hangers, shoes meticulously placed underneath. To the sides were two small stacks of totes/containers. Everything was so pristinely placed it didn't sit well in Keith's gut. Lance wasn't the type of guy to keep things perfect, that was Hunk's job. This? This took time and energy that he knew Lance would rather spend else where chasing Pidge's corrupted robots she stole from the Galra or hanging off Shiro like the older man was a jungle gym after training. His mind tried thinking back to the last time Lance had done those things. He supposes it had been quite a while.

Lance pulled a tote out from the left stack and opened it to reveal the small collectables stored away, Keith looked to the other totes, finding them filled with other things. One was made up of all his beauty products, another filled with some type of clothing that he assumed was socks and underwear. Another had stacks of paper in it. He's not sure where Lance found paper way up here in space, but he bets it was from a mall with an Earth store. He only recognized what they were when he saw a folded paper pressed against the wall of the container with a name written on it. It was addressed to Shiro. He looked at the detail of the others papers and noted they were all folded the same way.

_Oh_.

At first Keith was confused at Lance's organization. This was the same kid who left his jacket everywhere, who never picked up his messes after he was done with anything, leaving cupboard doors open and walking away; yet here he had everything in a place, labeled, and ready to be found- and that's when Keith realized what this was. Lance had said his collectables had been 'put away'. Packed Away was more appropriate. Keith recognized what this was for. Lance had cleaned up after himself so no one else would have to do it after he died.

"I'm sorry," Lance whispers, voice hoarse. This apology sounding a little more sincere than the one he made the other day to all of them when confronted. "I-I didn't- I didn't think-"

And there's a whole lot of different endings for that one half finished sentence. 'I didn't think I'd be missed this much.' 'I didn't think I'd be caught.' 'I didn't think I'd be here when you saw this.'

"Lance," Keith says, stopping the paladin from stuttering further. He doesn't know what Lance had been thinking that day, the taller teen hadn't explained to him why jumping over a cliff would have been a good idea. No one really understood why. He knows Hunk had tried. He heard Lance yelling from his own room, snippy and defensive.

He looked at Lance, who' s looking right back at him like Keith was his life-line, the only thing holding his head above water at this very moment. It's unsettling. He doesn't know what Lance wants him to say. He thinks maybe Lance wants Keith to yell at him, stress him out a little further so he can burst, everything coming out at once with no room for editing.

"I get it."

Lance's eyes zone out like he trying to figure out what that means. Like it's some sort of code. "What?"

Keith sighs, "I get it. I've been there."

Keith thinks it can't be a far stretch as to why. Keith was an orphan. Abandoned over and over, a last option, constantly picked on. Shiro had been his only salvation, the only one that didn't complain about him, that didn't get upset over Keith's moods. But in the end, even Shiro had left. Not by choice, of course not, but it proved to Keith that he didn't deserve good things. He wasn't anybody worth anything. 

"You have?" and he looks heart-broken and confused.

Keith worried his lip, reluctant to say more; but maybe if Keith says something, Lance will finally start opening up to someone. "I was an orphan," he says delicately, not used to openly talking about such sensitive topic. "I didn't- I didn't have anyone...the people that were supposed to be there for me were gone. I just had my mother's knife." He reached into Lance's closet , desperate to keep his mind busy and hands occupied, and grabbed the tote of collectibles. Lance watches him, an uneasy look on his face. Keith looks around the room; it's just too bare. "I was adopted by Shiro's parents when I was 12. Unfortunately I had already been in the system just long enough to be fucked up by it." He thinks about the group homes with the older boys who would smoke pot out back of the building, using their lighters against Keith's skin when he threatened to tell on them. He ignores one of the leftover burn marks on the inside of his wrist as he places a large sea shell on one of the higher shelves. He follows the sea shell with a little bowl of flowers and petals, puts it on the sill of Lance's window. "I didn't leave a note." He didn't leave anything for consolation. He snuck into Shiro's parent's room and grabbed an envelope of cash he knew they kept hidden for emergencies. He only took a $5 bill. "I packed up my stuff, left it in the corner of the room and bolted out. Ran away, mostly. I planned on hiding somewhere and swallowing a punch of pills.

"You were found before you could?"

"Shiro has this sixth sense about him that always seems to know where I am." He placed a jar of different Planets' sands on the night stand near Lance's bed. "He found me at a shitty convenience store buying a drink to wash down the pills."

Lance watches Keith stop spreading the crap, and stare at the container in his hands. There are only a few more things, he looks around the room and thinks about where he had seen a few of these knick-knacks before Lance took them down. That had been months ago. Lance walks over to Keith, a hand on his shoulder. "I'm glad Shiro found you," he says softly, just as softly and with the same hopeful look he wore for their first bonding moment. Keith doesn't reply, never sure how he feels about being caught. "Are you still-" Suicidal? "Do you still think about it?"

Keith shakes his head. "Not as often now that we're up here, " he answered. "It helps, knowing my mother is an alien and probably left for a good reason." A small silence follows. Lance still wont open up. "Are you going to try again?" Keith asks, placing the last item on a shelf. 

Lance shrugs, looking guilty. "I wont say 'Yes', but I can't say 'No' either. I guess it depends on how things go from here on out." He keeps his gaze down, understanding that it's not a satisfying answer.

"We're all here for you," Keith replies. "When you get too low again, we'll keep you company." He thinks of Lance's unhealthy coping habits, how his arms were bare of any new marks when he felt them in the common room surrounded by the team. He knew it was a dick move to check with everyone in sight, but he _had to know_. He did his best to stay as close as possible to Lance, to block out the view of his fingers sneaking up Lance's sleeves. "I mean it, Lance. You need to come to us if you start to think you wont make it. We can't lose you." He walks over to the door, Lance looking surprised to see Keith leaving him to his own devices. He stops and looks over his shoulder. "And Lance?" There's barely a smile on the Blue Paladin's face, but it's there, it looks like relief. "I'm glad Shiro found you too," and he walks out, leaving Lance to his not-so-empty room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soft boys :)  
> -thoughts? concerns? lemme know!  
> -p.s I'm totally going to have to go another round with all the Paladins as Lance recovers. Either that or have one collective chapter of everyone's thoughts and observations. Im not sure yet.  
> -Fun Fact: The song 'Back from the Moon' by Dalton Rapattoni is totally a Klance song. If you ship it, give it a listen.


	15. Lance

Lance breathes in and he breathes out heavily as he leans across the sink and stares at himself in the mirror. He doesn't recognize himself anymore, not really. Back on Earth he was a little better looking, he thinks. He was darker, the lighting in space not exactly ideal for tanning. His skin is not only lighter but also more scarred now. Small nicks here and there on his face, a couple of slashes on his limbs where he was simply too slow to keep from getting caught by an enemy's sword. His eyes though, those have stayed the same. Empty. They've never held very much emotion in them. He can force them to look bright and happy. Tilt his head up, keep his brows high and the light will reflect right off his irises no problem. Its a method he's perfected. Everyone deemed the pose was from being so cocky in personality. Really it was just so no one would see the emptiness in them. He was still scared by it. There was nothing inside of him. Joy, anger, the will to live. It made him realize that if there was nothing inside, there was nothing anyone would ever want from him. He was useless, worthless. He was nothing. He had convinced himself he stopped being Lance once he came up to Space, but the truth was, he never was Lance. Even on Earth. His family always chalked him up to the 'Burden', the one they had to pay for Galaxy Garrison for; keep him out of trouble, give him an ounce of attention so he doesn't run away again. 

 

It had been three days since he'd faced anyone. He had stayed in his room for a majority of those three days. Hunk would drop off a plate of food or some sweets every few hours, Lance only feeling worse knowing that Hunk was stress baking- because of him. He ate and slept or stared at a wall, waiting for the dead of night so he could go to the training room and exhaust himself. No one had caught him yet. If they'd noticed him, they were still too timid to talk to him.

 

It was the fifth day that Lance decided he needed to get out and socialize. The silence had been killing him mentally, only making the detrimental conversations in his head worse. He practiced his smile in the mirror an hour before lunch. He saw he difference, the fake twinkling in his eyes, the way his smile seemed to still be flat. Now that they knew he wasn't happy, would they fall for his charade? Probably not. But he practiced anyway, because they had to believe he was okay. He couldn't keep the team distracted from Voltron's purpose.

 

"Lance!" Hunk abruptly stood at the table in excitement to see his best friend enter the room. Well, Lance had hoped he could just slink right in and eat, but he supposes that wont be happening as the other paladins stop their conversation to look at him. They all look suddenly tense, unsure of what Lance will say. 

 

He doesn't say anything.

 

Instead he walks over to the goop dispenser and gives himself a bowl of food. He can feel his hands shake in anticipation. They're all going to bombard him with questions or accusations. He knows it. They're all watching him out of the corner of their eyes. He sits next to Keith, in his usual spot, but it feels wrong. Like his seat is reserved for someone else. He looks up across the table at Shiro, who in-turn was watching him. Shiro simply nods, there's nothing else and Lance relaxes. No one else will say anything if Shiro wont.

 

It's still incredibly tense though. They're all looking to him, waiting for him to say something, but there's nothing to say. He tried to kill himself. He's not happy. He wasn't doing it to upset his team, he just needed to stop feeling so in the way. He was holding the team back. He was just trying to Help! He doesn't say any of it out loud, because what's the point? The team wont even try to listen to it, they'll immediately dismiss it.

So he sighs, and keeps his eyes on his food for the duration of his meal before quietly excusing himself.  
______________________

 

"Lance flank the left fleet of ships! Try to corral them closer to the center!" Shiro called through the com units. Somehow, Lance was allowed to go on missions. He had a gut feeling that Shiro told the others to keep an eye on him, so he doesn't go getting himself killed on purpose; Hunk following Lance and Red continuously sending him vibes through their old Link.

"We gonna group 'em up and take 'em out like a bunch of sea predators?" Lance asked, watching as Shiro and Black swooped through the cluster, Blacks Jawblade slicing through. The other paladins guided the escaping ships back into the group, Pidge taking her turn to swoop through. They all took turns except for Lance. He was skipped right over. He tried not to let it get to him. The team was worried about him. The team doesn't trust him.

 

_'You need to speak up!'_ Allura's voice spoke in the back of his mind.

Speak up? How was he supposed to do that? Was this really the right time? Should he be putting his emotions before Voltron? What if Shiro yelled at him? The com units were quiet for the moment, so it wasn't as if he were interrupting. _Look,_ he rationalized with himself. _If you don't like it, if they yell at you, don't ever ask again. Allura would just have to settle for being wrong for once._

"Shiro, l-let me have a turn," He says, voice shaking over the comm unit.

"No, Lance," Shiro shoots down immediately. "It's too dangerous."

"So dangerous you're sending all but one in?"

"You're not ready."

"What does that even mean?" Lance asks.

"Shiro," Keith adds in, as though Lance couldn't handle things on his own. There's a silence as they all wait for the command.

"Fine," Shiro finally sighs, defeated.

Lance bites back the words _'Nah, nevermind, I don't feel like it,'_ just to spite Shiro and instead thrusts his steering forwards to dive into the chaos of the Ball of Enemies. He freezes most, others he'll blast apart with a sonic blast, even using both methods on stragglers.

The fight isn't all that hard won. It was only a three hour fight, which compared to most fights, was nothing. Still, Lance is tired by the end of it, the energy it took to ask Shiro to join the fight and not be kept back like a small child who couldn't handle themselves alone, draining him for the most part. He was just glad Blue was a sentient being and took control where She needed to.

She parked herself in her own hangar, Lance zoned in on the dashboard of Blue Cockpit as he tried keeping himself awake enough to walk to his room and pass out for a few hours.

"You did great out there," Comes Keith's voice, the one voice he doesn't want to hear at the moment.

"Yeah thanks," He says flatly, even though he did his best to put some effort into the gratitude. For someone that hadn't gone on missions for a month, he did do pretty well.

"What's wrong?" Keith asks anyways. Leave it to Keith to read right through Lance.

Lance sighs and weighs his words carefully. "Look man, I appreciate you trying to have my back out there, but I'd rather you let me try to handle Shiro on my own."

"What are you talking about?"

Lance rolls his eyes. "I need to be able to stand up for myself!" he blurts loudly. "How am I supposed to feel like I'm part of this team if no one listens to me?!"

"I was just trying to help you!"

"Well then stop, I guess!" Lance snaps. "I can do it on my own!" 

"I just know how difficult Shiro can be," Keith explains.

Lance laughs at that. "Do you? You really _know_ how he can be? He seems to listen to you just fine. Always You. Never mind us, Never mind _me_. He wont even have a decent conversation with me!"

"You just need to find something in common," Keith shrugs, like that answers everything.

"Hm, let's see, his kid brother and I are suicidal. Do you think that's a good thing to talk about? Did he listen to you when you tried to kill yourself? Huh? Did he tell you what you were worth? Did he tell you that you were important to him- to _someone?_ Or did he barely acknowledge your feelings and say you were being selfish, that people around you were going to die because of you?!" He's screaming at Keith, and he knows Keith doesn't deserve it. He knows Keith was only trying to change Shiro's mind and say 'Trust us. Trust me.' but it just came out as 'Lance can't handle his own arguments' which, looking at the way this one is going, he sees the irony in his anger.

Keith doesn't say anything in the shock of Lance's outburst, and the excitement of being able to let out his feelings and tell someone who he thought was going to do something about Shiro's behavior when the Black paladin found Lance, dissipated into disappointment.

He walks out, not waiting for Keith to finally respond and keeps his eyes to himself as he walks by the others exiting their own hangars. They notice he's upset, but they keep their distance, instead; watching him leave Keith behind.

 

He didn't slow down until he was in his room and in bed, stripping his armour off before his door even closed behind him. Within minutes of his head hitting the pillow he was out cold, unable to hear the raised voices by the lions hangars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Sorry its not that long or great. I thought I'd just give a small insight to how Lance is trying to follow-through on getting better.  
> \- I also thought that maybe I should post something before everyone gave up on this fic.   
> -Please believe this fic is not abandoned, lol. It'll be a little while before its finished, but the good news is this fic is in its Last cycle of P.O.V.s :)


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